Well, I have landed in the Honduran Island of Utila, in the Caribbean sea. Mark is going to be qualifying as a dive instructor over the next couple of months, so for me, on this tiny island with virtually nothing to do but dive and lounge around, I want to take the opportunity to do a bit of online work but also get some projects going and do myself some learnin’.
My idea of how it was going to be has, as usual turned out to be way off. But that’s fine. That’s normal. I was looking forward to tucking myself away and getting on with things but have been scuppered by firstly the fact that this is one heck of a noisy place and having had some really noisy neighbours, slamming doors and shouting day and night, alongside another neighbour who blares out his bad organ music, a little youth club across the road where the kids spend all their time shouting and screaming and the parrots downstairs singing Old MacDonald or chattering inanely. The sound in our wooden building basically bounces around and it’s like everyone is in the room with you. So, I’ve been surrounded by such chaos and noise that I’ve found it very difficult to get my head down and concentrate. Add to that the internet, which was pretty darned good for the first couple of weeks while we settled in, suddenly became almost non-existent and that, alongside power cuts, has made it tricky to do much of the things I need/want to do, as they are online based. As well as that, Mark hasn’t been out all day everyday – his hours are pretty erratic and he is often mooching about the place or studying or wanting to go to do something, so I’m not getting as much time and space as I would like.
So there are lots of things that have scuppered me getting down and working, doing research and just generally beginning my quest for whatever it is that I might want to do with the rest of my life.
Or have they? Indeed, these things have all been a pain in the backside and frustrating but is that really what has stopped me even starting doing anything productive? Or is it just me finding excuses not to start something because it scares me that I’m never going to find something I’d like to do and that I’m any good at. Is it because actually when you’re travelling around you don’t have time to think about the future other than ponderings with a drink in hand in some foreign bar. The future can be scary. It’s quite nice to avoid it sometimes but it’ll always catch up with you. As the first stage of our trip nears an end and our money depletes at a rapid pace, while there’s a sharp increase in bills at home for our anchor round the neck property (which I swear is trying to drown us) – an unease is settling upon us. The 3 + months to be spent on this island frivolously trying to find my destiny, has turned more to ‘bugger, I’d better try and get some paid work to pay for the higher than we realised costs of being on this island’. And the first month of those 3 is nearing an end and I’ve really accomplished very little. Too many excuses. Too little action.
And do I really believe that I’m going to stumble on my new direction in a couple of months on a teensy island – even with 24/7 of the fasted internet speed? It doesn’t really work like that. I didn’t find what I wanted to do in the 18 months I’ve been travelling up to now and I sure as hell didn’t find it in the years leading up to our trip. I’ve got to stop chasing this mystical thing which I’m going to ‘discover’ somewhere. Maybe I’ll pick up a rock on the beach and there’ll be a little note from the destiny fairies, but I think that’s not all that likely.
Instead I need to get on, get myself out there, continue with the online work that I was doing, because it’s good to have money coming in and I did enjoy it. Get back to writing blogs for feelgoodyouknowthatyoushould.com and our travel blog ktandmark.travellerspoint.com and on here, because actually that is the thing that makes me most happy, just losing myself to rambling on to no-one in particular.
I remember when I finished a photography course, which I had loved doing, in my final presentation I said that I had learned most of all that I don’t care a jot if other people like my photographs. It’s obviously nice if they do, but I like them, they make me happy, I’m not trying to do it as a career and that’s that. Perhaps I should have paid more attention to my own confident assertion here. That is exactly what I should be doing when it comes to writing. I’ll probably not make it into a career as such but I enjoy it, I find it almost meditative so rather than being reticent and thinking too much about it, I should just bloody well get on and do it.
So that is my kick-up the backside to myself for today. I’ve been here often. One really can be terribly naughty when left up to one’s own devices. You really got to get your bad self to step in and sort yourself out!! So, Katie, stop making excuses, stop pussy footing around, stop searching for something that doesn’t exist and just get on with it. Fill your world with inspiration, ideas, creativity and action and a lot less ‘if only’s.